Saved by the clutches of death.

I remember vividly, that December day in 1996, as my big sister walked me home from school. I was only seven, but I could sense something was amiss. I was even more curious when we arrived home and there were over a dozen strangers and distant family members in and around the house. My sister took me straight to my mum, who told me in clear terms that Grandma was dead.

So someone I love can die?

I was a really smart kid and I somewhat understood what that meant. I remember standing there in shock, which is quite funny in retrospect considering my grand mum had been terminally ill with cancer for some months and she had refused further medical care. But until that moment, I did not realize anyone I love could die (very smart kid heh?).

Dying man to dying men

26th September 2017, over twenty years after, I got news of my own impending demise.

The news was not delivered by a doctor in a hospital but by an English poet who had died since 1691 — on Twitter.

I preached as never sure to preach again, And as a dying man to dying men- Richard Baxter; the tweet read.

I had seen those words before and I found them brilliant then but this time, they stayed and preyed on my mind. Tens of hours after, they were still all I thought about: dying man to dying men. I finally had my breakthrough when I accepted that I, along with everyone else, am dying. It is neither sad nor depressing, it is just what it is — the truth.

The truth sets free

To thine own self, be true- William Shakespeare

I picked up a note and began to write about life as I saw it without loyalty, bias, or prejudice. I wrote as if it was my last act alive. I wrote about my truth. The Truth that was buried in my core — Truth about my ignorance, about shame, doubt, loyalty, faith, culture, values, power and freedom. I wrote about my most base desires, my childhood, regrets, faith, money, love, the internet, soccer, Facebook and even Donald Trump.

…and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free- The Bible

In a moment that felt like magic, I found myself in those texts, my indeed self. Who I found, was greatly broken, the lowest of the least in the order of goodness but it was me. In the acknowledging of this self I met a confidence assurance, a knowledge — that though flawed by design and my own effort, I am still good enough for this life, and I worthy of the gift if I so chose.

My life changed in that moment. I felt reborn as I watched my ego dissolve, and every need for validation from anything or anyone become as vapour. The way I saw life changed completely.

Time vanished. As a man resigned to death, I appreciate every more second I get. I see people differently and appreciate every perspective. I no longer fear to any truth even if it convicts me; why do I care, I’m a dying man remember?

Why now?

“We wear clothes, and speak, and create civilizations, and believe we are more than wolves. But inside us, there is a word we cannot pronounce and that is who we are.”― Anthony Marra

There are a few reasons it took this long for me to arrive at this reality, the most prominent one was — my ego.

It takes humility to look inside when there is so much going on outside, when there are so many people ‘we are better than’.

Most human pursuits are motivated by ego (well, most of mine were). While it is known to all that death is certain, ego is why it doesn’t really sink in.

Else, would we fear what is sure?

“No one has learned the meaning of life until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow men.”― Beran Wolfe

Happiness

I, like most people I know, was in the pursuit of happiness but I had always perceived it is emotional state triggered by events and achievements. Oh, how wrong!

Happiness as I now see it is a state of being achieved when we are at peace with our own true nature. It is not something to pursue. Rather, it is a state of understanding.

But how can we be in harmony with someone (our true self) we don’t know?

In another light, happiness is a byproduct of honesty, love, and service. Eleanor Roosevelt puts it best:

Someone once asked me what I regarded as the three most important requirements for happiness. My answer was: ‘A feeling that you have been honest with yourself and those around you; a feeling that you have done the best you could both in your personal life and in your work; and the ability to love others.’

But there is another basic requirement, and I can’t understand now how I forgot it at the time: that is the feeling that you are, in some way, useful. Usefulness, whatever form it may take, is the price we should pay for the air we breathe and the food we eat and the privilege of being alive. And it is its own reward, as well, for it is the beginning of happiness, just as self-pity and withdrawal from the battle are the beginning of misery. — Eleanor Roosevelt

The return of wonder

My most unique experience was to watch time slowed-up till it came to its end. It seemed until that point, I had been living life in large chunks, milestone to milestones (crew change to crew changes, church service to church services, football weekend to football weekends, payday to paydays, heartbreak to heartbreaks) I’m sure you get the point... And whew! It’s another ‘Happy New Year! A whole year spent. Then a new year, and new resolutions, and I go again.

Our sense of wonder is something we lose as we grow away from childhood. We become too occupied to be curious.

“For example, for a child, a walk in the park can involve so many new experiences — their first sighting of flowers covered in snow, perhaps, or of a scary dog — that each are remembered as distinct individual events. For the adult accompanying that child, if nothing novel happens, all the varied sensations and impressions associated with that walk may be collapsed — or “chunked” — into a single memory of ‘a walk in the park,’” explains the British Psychological Society write-up of the findings.

For me, the little things came back. Now it feels like there are 40 hours in a day. I notice nature now, I see landscapes, and people’s faces. Everyone knows something I’ll never know. Wonderful!

All is wonderful, just like when I was a child. Luis Armstrong’s what a wonderful world is not just a nice song these days, it’s a true song.

How I now run my race

A few weeks after my transformation, I ran into The Leap: The Psychology of Spiritual Awakening.’ by Steve Taylor and it helped me understand some of my experiences. However, unlike all the examples/profiles Taylor shared in his book, my ambitions did not disappear in the night of my awakening. To the contrary, I have never felt more driven. What did change is that my ambitions are no longer for myself.

I understand now how the human race must be run: by helping every human being we come in contact with further their own race. The progress of the human race is not measured by the progress of individuals or nations, but by the progress of the collective human species. That is, we cannot measure our progress by NASA’s excellent outer space programs but by the ongoing slave trade in Libya.

My ambition now is to bring progress to as many humans as I can before my time is up. While this might sound naive to most, a smile at a stranger is sometimes enough. Although I intend to do much more than smile.

My goal now is to die the best man I possibly could.

On bad days

Now it has not been all glory, for sometimes I get carried away and forget I am dying. In these moments, I could feel offense, hurt, disappointed, ashamed and selfish but they are usually fleeting.

The trick is to take myself less seriously, distill the lesson from the experience, and move on.

How?

Every night I reflect on my day, acknowledge the things I am grateful for, accept the mistakes I have made (I try to remedy the ones I can), forgive myself, and I die (sleep).

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Tomorrow I will try to play better.

Alas, death is not the end

A few days to the end of 2017, I was with my friend and mentor as he received news about the passing of his friend. He was well shaken by the news. I listened as he described the deceased, his life and memories. ‘Who he’s describing is not a dead man’, I thought to myself. Though this good man is now deceased, he is alive in the life (memorized stories).

Now it is natural for the living to eulogize the dead and soon we all move on and remember them less and less right? Right.

Yet, even when their memories fade, their influence remains in our subconscious. How they think, react etc., or the inverses, we become. As we die too, we pass these things on. In this way, at the very least, people don’t really die. Now that is not to mention the popular immortals like Dante, Shakespeare, Mohammad, Jesus, Einstein, Mandela, etc.

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.” — Albert Einstein

Now there might indeed be a life after death in the literal sense of it but the truth, irrespective of our beliefs, is we truly don’t know for sure. And that’s a fact. It is this fact that makes all religious conflicts and deaths that ensue from them really very dumb.

My friend and mentor is a Christian man, and his late friend was a Muslim. I found it particularly interesting that when he described the deceased to me, he was not describing a Muslim man but a Catholic saint. The irony is that if the Catholic God turns out to be the ‘one true God’ in the end, then this amazing Catholic Saint is doomed to hell.

My take is we must move on from all religious judgements, as all will be revealed to us someday, or not.

Conclusion

I am happy to inform you that you are dying. I don’t know when but you are not getting out of this place alive.

Oh, you know already? My bad perhaps. But really, do you know?

I wish you understanding, peace, and laughter this year. I hope that you’ll love, and serve, and wonder.

Especially wonder.

Happy new year, and have a great week!